SmokeLong Quarterly

What inspired this piece?

Mania, of course. “The Chair Affair” is actually a journal entry from my time in the institution.

Shh. Don’t tell anyone.

Why do you write?

Because I’m addicted to words. Bloody ones.

How many times have you spilled coffee/tea/water/beer/soda in your keyboard, and is there a “perfect” greaseless food that can be eaten while typing?

I used to spill diet Dr. Pepper on my keyboard all the time until the “e” button formed a vowel mutiny with my mouse and demanded clean working conditions.

The perfect greaseless food to be eaten while typing? Powdered doughnuts.

Do you find that when the keys get too slippery it might cause you to type the word “freak” instead of the word “great”?

Actually, while writing an opinion column, slippery keys made me type “big toed” instead of “bigoted.” Who knew members of the KKK had such large feet? Big feet, big….

And here I always thought they wore the sheets to cover up for their lack of manhood.

If you discovered that you lost your magic touch with words, which persecuting hobby would you take up instead, or would you just continue on writing until it killed you?

I’d probably keep writing, publish a few Jonathan Franzen-esque literary classics, ruin my good reputation, stick a heavy stone in my pocket and wade into a brown river. In death, all my sins would be forgiven and I’d once again top the best-seller lists.

Is there anything else you’d like to tell our readers? Like, “Hi Mom!” Or would you like to promote your literary-based website? Here is your chance.

Read The Blog of Death (http://www.blogofdeath.com). Tell your friends to read The Blog of Death. If you’re on Livejournal, read the syndicated version of The Blog of Death (http://www.livejournal.com/users/blog_of_death/). Make The Blog of Death your homepage, and your ultimate goal in life. Someday, if you’re lucky, you might be on The Blog of Death. You won’t be able to read it, of course, but all your friends will.